My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
