dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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