her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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