shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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