Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
