Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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