I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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