She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
