omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
