WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
