Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
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