I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
