Dude my mom stole all your condoms
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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