If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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