Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
