thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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