At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
