my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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