i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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