i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
