I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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