good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
