Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize