I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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