I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
