his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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