I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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