I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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