Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
