after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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