DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize