As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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