my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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