you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
