wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize