I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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