the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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