He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
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