Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
