Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize