Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
