Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
