I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Randomize
