fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
