I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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