my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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