I can't watch pbs sober anymore
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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