I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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