Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize