I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
me + whiskey = a bad person
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
