be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
