when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
i came on her dog
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
