I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
