My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
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