Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
