she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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