My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
