Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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