dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
