I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
